BPD: Running From Fear of Abandonment
One of my symptoms from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is fear of abandonment.
When I was 6 years old I began worrying that my parents were going to die. I had physical medical issues over this worrying. Seeing the doctor quite a few times they diagnosed me with intestinal ulcers from anxiety, and stress caused by worrying. The doctor apparently said to my mom, “What can a 6 year old be so worried about to cause intestinal ulcers?” Soon I became the child called, “worry wart.” This was used for the rest of my childhood and teen years.
This is just one example of my fear of abandonment. As a 6 year old, I went to the mini mart with a family member and my brother. I was always too afraid to go in anywhere alone. However, I wanted a candy treat, and if I wanted it, I was told to go in by myself and buy it with the money I was given. So, I got the nerve up to finally go in alone. However, when I came out the family member with my older brother had disappeared. Nowhere to be seen, I began to sob. Standing outside of the mini mart alone, in front of the mart, I didn’t know what to do. Mind you this is back in 1971 we were years away from pagers or cell phones.
When what seemed like forever, the car finally appeared in my sight. When I got back in the car the family member was laughing and thought it was quite hilarious that they left me. When my brother was alone with me at home he said that he kept telling them to go back and get me. I believed him because he was my savior and always watched out for me.
This caused me years of torment, to this very day at 58 years old. At 14, I wouldn’t even go into a burger restaurant to order a plain cheeseburger because I thought I would be left. At the age of 55, moving across country from the West Coast to the East Coast on the road trip I was terrified that my husband would drive off at a rest area while I used the restroom, or stopping at a gas station to use the restroom. I would not go in unless my adult daughter came in with me. Now, this was totally illogical as my husband knew of my fear of abandonment and BPD and would NEVER have left me. But this still sticks with me today. Now I never leave anywhere or my car without my cell phone in hand, I still carry this unrealistic fear.